I added new things to my "Everything Book" from my trip to New York yesterday. I somewhat regret doing it now - my visit to Manhattan was nice but I deeply wish it was with someone else. Never the less, the trip and the events that took place are part of me now... And I guess having them immortalized in The Book are just part of my story. How I wish I could change it, though. (I did not visit Manhattan with James. I stayed in New York with James and his fiance, but I went to Manhattan with someone else.)

I find myself wishing I hadn't kicked myself in the teeth months ago by burning a bridge with my stupidity. I've always been of the "since I don't regret who I am, I don't regret where I've been" mentality... But I can say with much sincerity that I can think of one very huge mistake that I'll regret until my deathbed. Can I ever be comfortable with myself then? Would I be hypocritical if I was?

It's bright and sunny today, so unfitting for my mood. I feel somber. I've been listening to '1979' by The Smashing Pumpkins over and over again, just thinking about the last year of my life and how everything could've been so much better... How I could have made things so much different.

We all know wishing doesn't work. The funny cute stories you see in the movies aren't real. People just don't forgive, no matter how hard you try... No matter what lengths you go to. No matter how sorry you are, or how hurt you feel, no matter what changes you make - you're unforgiven. You don't get to have a "You've Got Mail" story, where you start out as enemies and wind up falling in love. It's all Hollywood making us wish for something that will never happen.

I tried to change my stars. I tried so hard just to fall. I'm closing my eyes and erasing everything from my memory now, and my soul will be just a little colder every night because of it.

Needless to say, with everything considered, my heart is being pulled. I feel very lifeless at the moment. I am somewhat glad I have a birthday this weekend; it will give me something to look forward to. I'll have people to spend time with... Some of which I haven't seen in years. I plan on injesting a lot of alcohol on Saturday and getting drunk off my ass... I still have a full bottle of Bacardi O from when I was in New York. It's about time that bottle was emptied.

Current Music: The Smashing Pumpkins - 1979

Renovations for my new casa are under construction. Painting commences on Monday and I can move in shortly after. The cable company has been contacted so internet should be hooked up fairly soon at the new place. It's going to look different. It's going to be different. I'm excited. This is the first time I've ever gotten to play "Design on a Dime" in real life, and I'm jittery at the thought of exercising my artistic arm as far as interior decorating goes. I'll be moved in by the end of the month. Life will change dramatically, then.

I received my job back, as well. Thank goodness for small miracles. Things are slowly steadying and I'm thinking that the turbulence will subside altogether very soon.

All good things, all steps forward, all improvements. I'm trying to surround myself with positives in hopes that I'll absorb them via osmosis or something tantamount. Good thoughts, good thoughts.

I recently reacquainted myself with a friend I haven't spoken to in a while; it's incredibly nice having his company. I wasn't exactly a wonderful person when last we spoke in any sort of frequency; I'm hoping that the changes I've made in my personality and my life are shining through to prove that I'm worth sticking around for.

Completely opposite to that, I had a brush with a "friend" (term applied very loosely) this morning that resulted in me ignoring them. All kinds of unhappy memories came flooding back from the last time we were friends and things didn't go his way - he's incredibly childish and I don't know why I keep giving him more chances to hurt me. It needs to stop. I'm a pushover for people who seem nice - it's one of my strings, and people like him pull it often. Hopefully I won't have to deal with him again. Such an unpleasant man. If you would even call him a man... Someone of his stature doesn't exactly exude the maturity level normally associated with a true man.

I'm looking forward to starting my life over. It seems long overdue.

Current Music: Silversun Pickups - Three Seed

I'm still in good old New York, but I figured I'd throw an update around to prove I'm still kickin'.

I was in Manhattan yesterday. As I observed the towering buildings and bustling streets, I tried silently to compare it to my native and beloved Chicago and find the differences. Manhattan is DEFINITELY larger. Subway system is more complicated... The air smells different. The line to visit the observation decks of the Empire State Building are vastly longer than those of the Sears Tower. I worried about pick pockets in Manhattan. (Or maybe I was being paranoid, but it seemed everywhere I turned and every place I went people could tell I wasn't from NY.)

Of course, there are similarities. The taxi drivers are still insane, the buildings are still incredibly impressive and soar higher than my eyes dare to seek lest my retinas get burned out by accidentally visiting direct sunlight that seems to reflect off of every glinting surface, it's almost worth it to walk/subway everywhere (at the end of it all my feet were killing me but I was determined to show no mercy to this city I traveled thousands of miles to conquer) rather than taxi, photographs are just waiting to be taken. I'll have lots of those to share once I get back home as I'm silly and forgot my USB cable in my desk.

Most of my time in Manhattan I spent with my mouth wide open (no fellatio jokes, please) . These are places I've only seen in movies, and here they are in front of me. The only places I've seen that were featured in movies are the bridge Christian Bale drives over in the Batmobile in "Batman Begins", the underground street system featured in "Batman Begins" (which is actually Lower Wacker Drive), the house that "The Amityville Horror" was filmed in and the apartment complex that "Stranger than Fiction" was filmed in (my best friend lives those condos). On the way to the house from the airport when I arrived, I saw the location of the 1939/1940 NY World's Fair. Amazing.

I didn't get to see The Statue of Liberty or Ground Zero while I was here; two places I really wanted to photograph. I suppose they'll have to wait until round two. I did see Grand Central Station, The Smithsonian, The Empire State Building, and The Chrysler Building. (Not to mention the things I saw in the Hamptons: the ocean, the bay, all of the very, very expensive houses - beautiful scenery.)

I met this guy at a bar during my stay. I have his card around here somewhere (I think it's somewhere in my Mary Poppins purse). He's one of those really cool people I have the pleasure of meeting on my adventures - introduces himself, tells you what he does, clues you in on his mission. He asked me what I do. "Whatever I can," I said. "I just go where the wind takes me."

"Well," he said, "Nothing happens without a reason. You kids keep in touch. I mean that." 

I may just do that.

I miss my family back home and it'll be nice to be in their vicinity again. I miss my cat. I'm sure he'll be very angry when I arrive home and will yell at me for the next few days for leaving him. Rex, my siberian dwarf hamster, will be happy to see me and will hope that I brought him something delicious to nibble on.

I renewed my friendship with James. We lost contact for a long period of time, but I think this trip opened up our eyes to a great friendship that we share. It's really a shame that he's so far away. It's nice to see him with his daughter however - she's gorgeous... And he's an excellent father.

All in all, it's been very surreal. I saw things I expected to see, I saw things I definitely didn't expect to see. I had a lot of first time experiences and probably a few I'll never get to do again, but I will say - I regret nothing on this wonderful trip to a city and state much unlike my own. It's been very different from any other place I've visited.

I'll never forget this trip.