I added new things to my "Everything Book" from my trip to New York yesterday. I somewhat regret doing it now - my visit to Manhattan was nice but I deeply wish it was with someone else. Never the less, the trip and the events that took place are part of me now... And I guess having them immortalized in The Book are just part of my story. How I wish I could change it, though. (I did not visit Manhattan with James. I stayed in New York with James and his fiance, but I went to Manhattan with someone else.)

I find myself wishing I hadn't kicked myself in the teeth months ago by burning a bridge with my stupidity. I've always been of the "since I don't regret who I am, I don't regret where I've been" mentality... But I can say with much sincerity that I can think of one very huge mistake that I'll regret until my deathbed. Can I ever be comfortable with myself then? Would I be hypocritical if I was?

It's bright and sunny today, so unfitting for my mood. I feel somber. I've been listening to '1979' by The Smashing Pumpkins over and over again, just thinking about the last year of my life and how everything could've been so much better... How I could have made things so much different.

We all know wishing doesn't work. The funny cute stories you see in the movies aren't real. People just don't forgive, no matter how hard you try... No matter what lengths you go to. No matter how sorry you are, or how hurt you feel, no matter what changes you make - you're unforgiven. You don't get to have a "You've Got Mail" story, where you start out as enemies and wind up falling in love. It's all Hollywood making us wish for something that will never happen.

I tried to change my stars. I tried so hard just to fall. I'm closing my eyes and erasing everything from my memory now, and my soul will be just a little colder every night because of it.

Needless to say, with everything considered, my heart is being pulled. I feel very lifeless at the moment. I am somewhat glad I have a birthday this weekend; it will give me something to look forward to. I'll have people to spend time with... Some of which I haven't seen in years. I plan on injesting a lot of alcohol on Saturday and getting drunk off my ass... I still have a full bottle of Bacardi O from when I was in New York. It's about time that bottle was emptied.

Current Music: The Smashing Pumpkins - 1979

Life is going on at a somewhat slow but bearable pace. Work is giving me more hours; a whopping 12 - but, it's more money in my pocket which I can't sneer at.

My cell phone got shut off due to lack of funds available to pay the bill. I figured I'd pay three of my  bills instead of just one and so it remains off. The best way to get a hold of me now is via AIM - SweetBrugmansia.

My headaches persist. A certain phenomena occurs occasionally when I'm about to get an intense headache: I lose peripheral vision in my right eye. It's like someone puts a cone of blurry mass over the corner of my eye and I can't see anything to my right. When this happens I'm barely able to read (books, text on the PC, etc.) and driving is difficult. I've only had it happen once while driving,  but thankfully I was a minute from home. I've been keeping track of when it happens. It's been occurring since June 30th of 2007. Normally I'm at the computer when it happens with the exception of once while driving and once at the living room window. I can tell when it's about to happen. I can't explain it. After having "good" vision for most of my life, I can just sense when something is wrong with my sight and this craziness is about to begin.

After doing a little research on Wikipedia, I've found what's happening is most likely a migraine aura - the onset of a migraine. Otherwise known as tunnel vision. I'll have to go to my doctor to make a real diagnosis of course, but it sounds a lot like my symptoms.

My sister in law says it could possibly be a vision problem, and I might need glasses. I'll have to make an appointment for an eye exam and see if that's the case. If it really is that simple, I'll be very pleased. I'd like to stop the headaches or at least find a way to prevent them from happening so frequently.

I didn't mention this before because I didn't want to make a big deal out of it then, but I've been dating someone new for a while now. After Adam and I broke up I was really skeptical about getting into another relationship. I still carry baggage from former relationships - I think breakups bring them all back for a period of time. Anyway... I carried a lot of baggage from my relationship with Adam and I didn't really WANT another one, but when I met Dave I he made me feel so very relaxed and at ease. He made me so happy and carefree that I let go of the weights I was carrying and helped me be myself again. I tried so hard not to fall for him. I was wary of it. I didn't want another failed relationship. He swept me off my feet completely.

He's incredibly funny. He makes me laugh all the time. He's generous - when my WoW account was hacked last month, he had made up his mind that if the GMs didn't restore my gear, he was going to put his 70 priest on a separate account and give him to me so I wouldn't be heartbroken over losing all my hard work. He's handsome - his eyes are such an intense blue and his lips are so very kissable. He's comforting. He'll talk to me and do everything to calm me down and make me feel better, even if I'm just being overly emotional (which is nice, because I feel stupid for being so emotional but he tries to eliminate that feeling). He even gave me his Netflix account information so I could watch movies at home. It may seem trivial to most people ("Oh wow, Netflix. That's almost like an engagement ring. LOSER.") but to me it shows the little things matter most. He's an amazing guy and I'm incredibly lucky to have him.

You were such a surprise...
An unexpected gift.
Said I was pretty, and I believed it.
Not really used to all this attention.
Told myself I don't deserve you
And this is just a phase.
Could I get used to being loved the right way?
I wanna argue, but there is nothing to say...

'Cuz you send me flowers when there's no occasion
Yeah we talk for hours, you still wanna listen.
Won't hold it against me if I just need you to hold me tonight...
My mother always told me that you'd show up one day
So scared to feel this way...
But love, I think I'm ready... Ready for it.

Current Music: Katy Perry - I Think I'm Ready

You know that feeling in your chest you get when you hear a certain song on the radio that has an association with someone from your past that you've had a sad falling out with?

It affects my whole torso. My stomach twists and my chest actually hurts. I feel like I've got quills in my veins. I've got a lot of memories (of him) that I wish I could just erase because they're rather painful to recall.

I would relive one night over and over again, stuck in a record skip life, just because one night was probably one of the happiest nights I've had in my life.

The worst part is, it's my fault that I can't have that happiness.

My heart is raging pissed at me.

Current Music: Mary J. Blige - Be Without You

I'm still in good old New York, but I figured I'd throw an update around to prove I'm still kickin'.

I was in Manhattan yesterday. As I observed the towering buildings and bustling streets, I tried silently to compare it to my native and beloved Chicago and find the differences. Manhattan is DEFINITELY larger. Subway system is more complicated... The air smells different. The line to visit the observation decks of the Empire State Building are vastly longer than those of the Sears Tower. I worried about pick pockets in Manhattan. (Or maybe I was being paranoid, but it seemed everywhere I turned and every place I went people could tell I wasn't from NY.)

Of course, there are similarities. The taxi drivers are still insane, the buildings are still incredibly impressive and soar higher than my eyes dare to seek lest my retinas get burned out by accidentally visiting direct sunlight that seems to reflect off of every glinting surface, it's almost worth it to walk/subway everywhere (at the end of it all my feet were killing me but I was determined to show no mercy to this city I traveled thousands of miles to conquer) rather than taxi, photographs are just waiting to be taken. I'll have lots of those to share once I get back home as I'm silly and forgot my USB cable in my desk.

Most of my time in Manhattan I spent with my mouth wide open (no fellatio jokes, please) . These are places I've only seen in movies, and here they are in front of me. The only places I've seen that were featured in movies are the bridge Christian Bale drives over in the Batmobile in "Batman Begins", the underground street system featured in "Batman Begins" (which is actually Lower Wacker Drive), the house that "The Amityville Horror" was filmed in and the apartment complex that "Stranger than Fiction" was filmed in (my best friend lives those condos). On the way to the house from the airport when I arrived, I saw the location of the 1939/1940 NY World's Fair. Amazing.

I didn't get to see The Statue of Liberty or Ground Zero while I was here; two places I really wanted to photograph. I suppose they'll have to wait until round two. I did see Grand Central Station, The Smithsonian, The Empire State Building, and The Chrysler Building. (Not to mention the things I saw in the Hamptons: the ocean, the bay, all of the very, very expensive houses - beautiful scenery.)

I met this guy at a bar during my stay. I have his card around here somewhere (I think it's somewhere in my Mary Poppins purse). He's one of those really cool people I have the pleasure of meeting on my adventures - introduces himself, tells you what he does, clues you in on his mission. He asked me what I do. "Whatever I can," I said. "I just go where the wind takes me."

"Well," he said, "Nothing happens without a reason. You kids keep in touch. I mean that." 

I may just do that.

I miss my family back home and it'll be nice to be in their vicinity again. I miss my cat. I'm sure he'll be very angry when I arrive home and will yell at me for the next few days for leaving him. Rex, my siberian dwarf hamster, will be happy to see me and will hope that I brought him something delicious to nibble on.

I renewed my friendship with James. We lost contact for a long period of time, but I think this trip opened up our eyes to a great friendship that we share. It's really a shame that he's so far away. It's nice to see him with his daughter however - she's gorgeous... And he's an excellent father.

All in all, it's been very surreal. I saw things I expected to see, I saw things I definitely didn't expect to see. I had a lot of first time experiences and probably a few I'll never get to do again, but I will say - I regret nothing on this wonderful trip to a city and state much unlike my own. It's been very different from any other place I've visited.

I'll never forget this trip.