It's 5:42 AM and I can't sleep. My mind is wide awake. Fresh, cold air is pouring in my window. My hamster is running feverishly on his little wheel and my cat is nestled comfortably in my Japanese blanket. I have six candles lit and The Smashing Pumpkins playing through my headset.

My mind is wild with heart-torturing "what if"s this evening (morning...). This always happens to me when it gets cold - winter brings out a side of me I wish I could just beat into the concrete and never see again. I hate my sappy side. I want to destroy it. I'm not the bad girl. I'm not... I'm just the one that dreams too much. The bad stuff isn't me. It shouldn't be me. It was me, but I changed. I wanted to change. I have changed. I am changed. All this changing and you still haunt my head. You pervade the filters I attempt to install to sift your memories away. Damn it.

I'm watching the sun slowly creep over the trees of my peaceful and quiet neighborhood as retro lyrics fill my head with a musical form of temporary relief. The air is cold. I am cold. My computer chair sits right beside my window and I'm breaking the breeze with bare skin. It's funny how you can look at the sky and it will be inky black... You look away for a few minutes... And when you look back, a light violet is spreading across the sky, melding with the midnight and creating a canvas worthy of making the most exquisite painter's pallet envious. Life is like that. You wait too long and everything will shift on you.

All the time... I always forget to forget you. I keep hoping for some sort of fairy story ending... Like I said before, that's just Hollywood. Someone should really sue their asses for false advertising.

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