It's 5:42 AM and I can't sleep. My mind is wide awake. Fresh, cold air is pouring in my window. My hamster is running feverishly on his little wheel and my cat is nestled comfortably in my Japanese blanket. I have six candles lit and The Smashing Pumpkins playing through my headset.

My mind is wild with heart-torturing "what if"s this evening (morning...). This always happens to me when it gets cold - winter brings out a side of me I wish I could just beat into the concrete and never see again. I hate my sappy side. I want to destroy it. I'm not the bad girl. I'm not... I'm just the one that dreams too much. The bad stuff isn't me. It shouldn't be me. It was me, but I changed. I wanted to change. I have changed. I am changed. All this changing and you still haunt my head. You pervade the filters I attempt to install to sift your memories away. Damn it.

I'm watching the sun slowly creep over the trees of my peaceful and quiet neighborhood as retro lyrics fill my head with a musical form of temporary relief. The air is cold. I am cold. My computer chair sits right beside my window and I'm breaking the breeze with bare skin. It's funny how you can look at the sky and it will be inky black... You look away for a few minutes... And when you look back, a light violet is spreading across the sky, melding with the midnight and creating a canvas worthy of making the most exquisite painter's pallet envious. Life is like that. You wait too long and everything will shift on you.

All the time... I always forget to forget you. I keep hoping for some sort of fairy story ending... Like I said before, that's just Hollywood. Someone should really sue their asses for false advertising.

I added new things to my "Everything Book" from my trip to New York yesterday. I somewhat regret doing it now - my visit to Manhattan was nice but I deeply wish it was with someone else. Never the less, the trip and the events that took place are part of me now... And I guess having them immortalized in The Book are just part of my story. How I wish I could change it, though. (I did not visit Manhattan with James. I stayed in New York with James and his fiance, but I went to Manhattan with someone else.)

I find myself wishing I hadn't kicked myself in the teeth months ago by burning a bridge with my stupidity. I've always been of the "since I don't regret who I am, I don't regret where I've been" mentality... But I can say with much sincerity that I can think of one very huge mistake that I'll regret until my deathbed. Can I ever be comfortable with myself then? Would I be hypocritical if I was?

It's bright and sunny today, so unfitting for my mood. I feel somber. I've been listening to '1979' by The Smashing Pumpkins over and over again, just thinking about the last year of my life and how everything could've been so much better... How I could have made things so much different.

We all know wishing doesn't work. The funny cute stories you see in the movies aren't real. People just don't forgive, no matter how hard you try... No matter what lengths you go to. No matter how sorry you are, or how hurt you feel, no matter what changes you make - you're unforgiven. You don't get to have a "You've Got Mail" story, where you start out as enemies and wind up falling in love. It's all Hollywood making us wish for something that will never happen.

I tried to change my stars. I tried so hard just to fall. I'm closing my eyes and erasing everything from my memory now, and my soul will be just a little colder every night because of it.

Needless to say, with everything considered, my heart is being pulled. I feel very lifeless at the moment. I am somewhat glad I have a birthday this weekend; it will give me something to look forward to. I'll have people to spend time with... Some of which I haven't seen in years. I plan on injesting a lot of alcohol on Saturday and getting drunk off my ass... I still have a full bottle of Bacardi O from when I was in New York. It's about time that bottle was emptied.

Current Music: The Smashing Pumpkins - 1979

You know that feeling in your chest you get when you hear a certain song on the radio that has an association with someone from your past that you've had a sad falling out with?

It affects my whole torso. My stomach twists and my chest actually hurts. I feel like I've got quills in my veins. I've got a lot of memories (of him) that I wish I could just erase because they're rather painful to recall.

I would relive one night over and over again, stuck in a record skip life, just because one night was probably one of the happiest nights I've had in my life.

The worst part is, it's my fault that I can't have that happiness.

My heart is raging pissed at me.

Current Music: Mary J. Blige - Be Without You