It's 5:42 AM and I can't sleep. My mind is wide awake. Fresh, cold air is pouring in my window. My hamster is running feverishly on his little wheel and my cat is nestled comfortably in my Japanese blanket. I have six candles lit and The Smashing Pumpkins playing through my headset.

My mind is wild with heart-torturing "what if"s this evening (morning...). This always happens to me when it gets cold - winter brings out a side of me I wish I could just beat into the concrete and never see again. I hate my sappy side. I want to destroy it. I'm not the bad girl. I'm not... I'm just the one that dreams too much. The bad stuff isn't me. It shouldn't be me. It was me, but I changed. I wanted to change. I have changed. I am changed. All this changing and you still haunt my head. You pervade the filters I attempt to install to sift your memories away. Damn it.

I'm watching the sun slowly creep over the trees of my peaceful and quiet neighborhood as retro lyrics fill my head with a musical form of temporary relief. The air is cold. I am cold. My computer chair sits right beside my window and I'm breaking the breeze with bare skin. It's funny how you can look at the sky and it will be inky black... You look away for a few minutes... And when you look back, a light violet is spreading across the sky, melding with the midnight and creating a canvas worthy of making the most exquisite painter's pallet envious. Life is like that. You wait too long and everything will shift on you.

All the time... I always forget to forget you. I keep hoping for some sort of fairy story ending... Like I said before, that's just Hollywood. Someone should really sue their asses for false advertising.

I added new things to my "Everything Book" from my trip to New York yesterday. I somewhat regret doing it now - my visit to Manhattan was nice but I deeply wish it was with someone else. Never the less, the trip and the events that took place are part of me now... And I guess having them immortalized in The Book are just part of my story. How I wish I could change it, though. (I did not visit Manhattan with James. I stayed in New York with James and his fiance, but I went to Manhattan with someone else.)

I find myself wishing I hadn't kicked myself in the teeth months ago by burning a bridge with my stupidity. I've always been of the "since I don't regret who I am, I don't regret where I've been" mentality... But I can say with much sincerity that I can think of one very huge mistake that I'll regret until my deathbed. Can I ever be comfortable with myself then? Would I be hypocritical if I was?

It's bright and sunny today, so unfitting for my mood. I feel somber. I've been listening to '1979' by The Smashing Pumpkins over and over again, just thinking about the last year of my life and how everything could've been so much better... How I could have made things so much different.

We all know wishing doesn't work. The funny cute stories you see in the movies aren't real. People just don't forgive, no matter how hard you try... No matter what lengths you go to. No matter how sorry you are, or how hurt you feel, no matter what changes you make - you're unforgiven. You don't get to have a "You've Got Mail" story, where you start out as enemies and wind up falling in love. It's all Hollywood making us wish for something that will never happen.

I tried to change my stars. I tried so hard just to fall. I'm closing my eyes and erasing everything from my memory now, and my soul will be just a little colder every night because of it.

Needless to say, with everything considered, my heart is being pulled. I feel very lifeless at the moment. I am somewhat glad I have a birthday this weekend; it will give me something to look forward to. I'll have people to spend time with... Some of which I haven't seen in years. I plan on injesting a lot of alcohol on Saturday and getting drunk off my ass... I still have a full bottle of Bacardi O from when I was in New York. It's about time that bottle was emptied.

Current Music: The Smashing Pumpkins - 1979

I'm going "camping" with my family this weekend. I use the term "camping" very loosely because it's not so much camping as it is checking into an outdoor hotel. There will be electricity, clean water, showers, bathrooms, a pool, etc. I'll also have access to my parent's camper (which is really nice, actually; it's like a mobile hotel) which includes a shower, a flat screen TV, a bathroom, a refrigerator, heating and air conditioning, a stove, a sink, so on and so forth.

I tried to weasel my way out of it because my brother and sister in law won't be attending, which also means my niece and nephews won't be going either. My company will include my parents, my grandparents, my uncle, and my parent's friends Mike and Diana. My Grandfather will probably talk to me about how I'm doing with work, where I'm at with school and what I'm going to do to improve my life. Don't get me wrong, I love my Grandfather - I just don't enjoy any of those topics and they seem to be quite frequent when we get together. It's his way of showing interest and caring for me, though, so I always humor him and let him in on the rather boring details of my work escapades and what I'm doing to enhance my life.

Somehow by filing bankruptcy S&B has the ability to dish out more shifts, so I might be getting more hours there. I don't necessarily enjoy my job because I know a lot of people aren't fond of me (with the exception of Brian) and the work is so tedious (and sometimes exhausting), but Racine doesn't have a lot of options when it comes to employment. I really wish I hadn't quit Sunglass Hut as hastily as I did. My emotions wrecking my chances, I suppose.

After having my thyroid medication adjusted for the fourth time, I believe my headaches have receded. I rarely have them anymore (though when I do, they're still exceedingly painful). I noticed that they came back during a period of time when I didn't have access to refills on my prescription (what a hellish week that was), so I'm inclined to believe that the headaches were linked directly to my doctors fiddling with my thyroid levels until they were satisfied with my blood test results. Hopefully they're done tinkering with it, I can't take much more of those skull-splitting manifestations.

In any case, I'll be bringing my laptop with me on this "camping" trip. If I can't pick up a WiFi connection, at the very least I'll be able to dink around with Photoshop, solitare, watch movies and listen to Bob Marley.

I have to admit... I'm somewhat looking forward to falling asleep listening to a churning river, under the stars that try desperately to peek through the canopy of pine trees above my tent. Maybe the fresh air will do me some good. Perhaps I'll clear my head.

If nothing else, I'll have access to a rather nice camera; more chances to practice photography.

Take care, everyone.

Being a woman with a Grandmother that battled chronic breast cancer, I know how difficult cancer can be on a family's emotions, optimism and finances. Mark, a friend of mine, has a daughter he affectionately calls Boo. Boo was diagnosed with cancer two months ago. They have no insurance and no funds with which to get treatment, so this evening they are hosting a benefit at Paradise West to aid the cause and cushion the emotional and financial blow. It would help them greatly to see members of the community supporting a good cause and wishing them well.

Mark asked me to sing, which I would not turn down.

It would mean a lot to their family (and to me) if you could show up or donate to their cause. Please e-mail me at luridbeauty @ gmail. com for more information on how you can donate, or show up tonight at Paradise West on Washington Avenue, in Racine.

Paradise West (262) 886-5151

The event begins around 2pm and goes late into the evening.

Reach into your heart and give a little bit back to someone who really needs it right now.

With hope,
Brugmansia

Life is going on at a somewhat slow but bearable pace. Work is giving me more hours; a whopping 12 - but, it's more money in my pocket which I can't sneer at.

My cell phone got shut off due to lack of funds available to pay the bill. I figured I'd pay three of my  bills instead of just one and so it remains off. The best way to get a hold of me now is via AIM - SweetBrugmansia.

My headaches persist. A certain phenomena occurs occasionally when I'm about to get an intense headache: I lose peripheral vision in my right eye. It's like someone puts a cone of blurry mass over the corner of my eye and I can't see anything to my right. When this happens I'm barely able to read (books, text on the PC, etc.) and driving is difficult. I've only had it happen once while driving,  but thankfully I was a minute from home. I've been keeping track of when it happens. It's been occurring since June 30th of 2007. Normally I'm at the computer when it happens with the exception of once while driving and once at the living room window. I can tell when it's about to happen. I can't explain it. After having "good" vision for most of my life, I can just sense when something is wrong with my sight and this craziness is about to begin.

After doing a little research on Wikipedia, I've found what's happening is most likely a migraine aura - the onset of a migraine. Otherwise known as tunnel vision. I'll have to go to my doctor to make a real diagnosis of course, but it sounds a lot like my symptoms.

My sister in law says it could possibly be a vision problem, and I might need glasses. I'll have to make an appointment for an eye exam and see if that's the case. If it really is that simple, I'll be very pleased. I'd like to stop the headaches or at least find a way to prevent them from happening so frequently.

I didn't mention this before because I didn't want to make a big deal out of it then, but I've been dating someone new for a while now. After Adam and I broke up I was really skeptical about getting into another relationship. I still carry baggage from former relationships - I think breakups bring them all back for a period of time. Anyway... I carried a lot of baggage from my relationship with Adam and I didn't really WANT another one, but when I met Dave I he made me feel so very relaxed and at ease. He made me so happy and carefree that I let go of the weights I was carrying and helped me be myself again. I tried so hard not to fall for him. I was wary of it. I didn't want another failed relationship. He swept me off my feet completely.

He's incredibly funny. He makes me laugh all the time. He's generous - when my WoW account was hacked last month, he had made up his mind that if the GMs didn't restore my gear, he was going to put his 70 priest on a separate account and give him to me so I wouldn't be heartbroken over losing all my hard work. He's handsome - his eyes are such an intense blue and his lips are so very kissable. He's comforting. He'll talk to me and do everything to calm me down and make me feel better, even if I'm just being overly emotional (which is nice, because I feel stupid for being so emotional but he tries to eliminate that feeling). He even gave me his Netflix account information so I could watch movies at home. It may seem trivial to most people ("Oh wow, Netflix. That's almost like an engagement ring. LOSER.") but to me it shows the little things matter most. He's an amazing guy and I'm incredibly lucky to have him.

You were such a surprise...
An unexpected gift.
Said I was pretty, and I believed it.
Not really used to all this attention.
Told myself I don't deserve you
And this is just a phase.
Could I get used to being loved the right way?
I wanna argue, but there is nothing to say...

'Cuz you send me flowers when there's no occasion
Yeah we talk for hours, you still wanna listen.
Won't hold it against me if I just need you to hold me tonight...
My mother always told me that you'd show up one day
So scared to feel this way...
But love, I think I'm ready... Ready for it.

Current Music: Katy Perry - I Think I'm Ready

My new place is finished. I'm 98% finished with the unpacking. All that's left is to move a few boxes into the garage and then I'm pretty sure I'll be done.

My bedroom is very calming. The walls are a blueish green, the trim is a dark chocolate brown and the carpet is cerulean. It sounds like a hideous combination but I'm very happy with the calming atmosphere it creates. I'll take some photos once I'm 100% satisfied with it.

More car trouble. Yesterday morning, Dave and I were driving to Chicago and my power steering went out. The temperature gauge said the engine was hot. Not having ample amounts of time to further investigate, I was forced to borrow my Mother's car for the trip and leave mine at Parkside.

Examining it closer showed that the fan belt had come off due to something getting bent inside the engine, so my car was running entirely off the battery. No good. My father was kind enough to tow it with his Dodge to get it home to work on it further. Hopefully it will be fixed soon with moderate expense.

I'm looking forward to relaxing after a hectic week involving lots of hard work at S&B as well as plenty of packing, painting, moving, unpacking, and car trouble. It's supposed to storm pretty badly today which limits me to indoor activities but I suppose it's not all bad. Sitting around is probably good for me at this point. Seems like things have been moving non-stop since last week.

I very much miss Dave, even though he just left yesterday. The entire time he was here I never stopped smiling. He helped me paint, helped me pack, helped me move - all without hesitation or complaint. He literally enjoyed every second of being here (either that or he's a fantastic actor). He babied my sprained ankle more than I did. He took care of me, just like he said he would. I hope he enjoyed it here as much as I enjoyed having him here. It was quite an amazing experience. Your company is very much missed...

Current Music: Blue October - Come In Closer

Bad news:
x Ankle injury is still apparent.
x I walked past an unfinished fixture at work two days ago and sliced a hole in the thigh of my only pair of jeans that fit.
x Fights in my apartment have been more and more frequent.
x The muffler for my good ol' car rusted off yesterday, so I have to put up with a very loud Ford Taurus until I can afford to replace it.
x My thyroid is still screwed up and my doctor had to bump up my medication again today. I hope this can be resolved soon. I'm starting to get a little worried.

Good news:
x Painting for my new casa is almost finished. All that's left is the trim. I'm extremely pleased with the color of the walls; I can't wait to see what it looks like when finished.
x A very good friend of mine is visiting from California tomorrow. I'm excited to see him. It should be a fun couple of days.
x Packing is going well. I do believe I'm almost finished now.
x I'm on a self-propelled road to improvement. I've picked out a few aspects of my personality to work on and I'm genuinely going to stick with it. I would like to be a better person so that maybe my next relationship (whenever that may come around) will be as flawless as possible.

I'm off to do a bit of last minute cleaning before I retire for the evening.

Take care, everyone.

Current Music: Silversun Pickups - Three Seed

Just wanted to explain my little absence from the internet. Friday I had to work from noon until 8, but unfortunately I had a headache that started at 1pm Thursday and by 6pm Friday it was horrible and I was in tears, so work sent me home and I wound up in the emergency room because nothing would get rid of it and I couldn't stand it anymore. I felt nauseous and light headed on top of the pain. I went to Prompt Care first and they gave me a shot of Toridall which did nothing - so they sent me over to the ER because they didn't have anything stronger.

So. At the ER I got an IV in my hand (arm veins were being a pain in the ass apparently) with Benadryl (apparently to calm my senses?) and a painkiller (I forgot the name). By the time the painkiller was in my system I was nodding in and out and barely able to speak or keep my eyes open. I was there until 11pm (arrived at roughly 6:30pm) and when I got home all I could do was sleep. (They gave me a prescription for Ultram, a narcotic-like pain reliever, as well. I've yet to fill it because most of what I did on Saturday was sleep, but I'll be filling it after work today.)

Saturday - Still feeling the effects of the IV, I slept until 10:30am or so. Woke up, hopped online, wound up doing half a Kara run with assholes that think sexism is okay and made jokes about men ignoring women for a very good reason, so I left the run which wound up exploding into guild chat where 80% of the people online were telling me I was just being oversensitive and it was "a joke" and "not intended to hurt my feelings"... So after I had about enough of that, I gquit and went back to bed (around 5pm or so). I woke up at midnight and remembered I have to be to work this morning at 8am until 4pm, so I forced myself to go back to sleep. I just now woke up at 5:30am.

My legs and butt are still sore from assembling tables at work on Friday - if I were in better shape that stuff would be easier, but alas - I'm not. I think I screwed up my ankle somehow too as it's hurt pretty profusely since then and I can't put all my weight on it without a sharp pain.

Soooo that, in a nutshell, was my weekend. Hooray!

At least I have plenty of time to shower and eat some food before work. Perhaps today will be a tad easier. And no more $#@%ing headaches.

Current Music: Bob Marley - Stir It Up

Renovations for my new casa are under construction. Painting commences on Monday and I can move in shortly after. The cable company has been contacted so internet should be hooked up fairly soon at the new place. It's going to look different. It's going to be different. I'm excited. This is the first time I've ever gotten to play "Design on a Dime" in real life, and I'm jittery at the thought of exercising my artistic arm as far as interior decorating goes. I'll be moved in by the end of the month. Life will change dramatically, then.

I received my job back, as well. Thank goodness for small miracles. Things are slowly steadying and I'm thinking that the turbulence will subside altogether very soon.

All good things, all steps forward, all improvements. I'm trying to surround myself with positives in hopes that I'll absorb them via osmosis or something tantamount. Good thoughts, good thoughts.

I recently reacquainted myself with a friend I haven't spoken to in a while; it's incredibly nice having his company. I wasn't exactly a wonderful person when last we spoke in any sort of frequency; I'm hoping that the changes I've made in my personality and my life are shining through to prove that I'm worth sticking around for.

Completely opposite to that, I had a brush with a "friend" (term applied very loosely) this morning that resulted in me ignoring them. All kinds of unhappy memories came flooding back from the last time we were friends and things didn't go his way - he's incredibly childish and I don't know why I keep giving him more chances to hurt me. It needs to stop. I'm a pushover for people who seem nice - it's one of my strings, and people like him pull it often. Hopefully I won't have to deal with him again. Such an unpleasant man. If you would even call him a man... Someone of his stature doesn't exactly exude the maturity level normally associated with a true man.

I'm looking forward to starting my life over. It seems long overdue.

Current Music: Silversun Pickups - Three Seed

You know that feeling in your chest you get when you hear a certain song on the radio that has an association with someone from your past that you've had a sad falling out with?

It affects my whole torso. My stomach twists and my chest actually hurts. I feel like I've got quills in my veins. I've got a lot of memories (of him) that I wish I could just erase because they're rather painful to recall.

I would relive one night over and over again, stuck in a record skip life, just because one night was probably one of the happiest nights I've had in my life.

The worst part is, it's my fault that I can't have that happiness.

My heart is raging pissed at me.

Current Music: Mary J. Blige - Be Without You